ahh! here i am.

snuggled in my bed. studying for my "midterm" tomorrow. i mean, whatever. it's cloudy and so so windy outside, so i'm prolonging movement as much as humanly possible.

things are going well. quieting down a little bit. the one-acts came and went without much incident. except the cast party, but that's to be expected. my parents, emma & dylan, zac & josh, and david all came to see the show, which really made me quite happy. i really do have the loveliest people in my life.

kathy & brian even brought me a box of chocolate-covered pretzels instead of flowers. do they know me or what?

otherwise, studio is fantastic. john early and i just did the most incredible scenes from 'far away' by caryl churchill. so intense. HATS! and luckily, we get to do it again. and every other class is fabulous. i had my midterm advisement meeting with karen kohlhaas today. she's great, so wise. she really put my mind at ease about everything. i was having serious anxiety that i'm not like, starting my career this very moment. i'm just terrified i'm going to get out of here and not know which end is up. but it'll come. i know it will.

i'm in love with my friends. for real. all of them.

spring is coming. i can feel it. my life always changes drastically when the weather gets warmer. i'm so curious to see what big change spring 08 will throw at me.

love love love.

home home home on saturday!
andd ahh kimya dawson april 6th!

when they ask me what i need i'll say a capo, a lemonade, a dollar fifty
a big bathtub, prosthetic feet, diana ross' role in mahogany
so i can hang out with billy dee williams, and he can hang out with me
pizza, love, and hominy, grits, peach pits, and songs to sing
more accountability so i can't get away with being mean
shooting stars, dungarees, band aids on both of my knees
a big old house high in the trees, a little shack down by the beach
a motor home with golden keys, an A+ in geography
and lots of time to think, i need more time to think

i'm gonna try and do better, i swear.

look, i even made my lj pretty for everyone. maybe that will force me into updating more. or something.

i really should be sleeping right now. it's been a long day, and i have another one tomorrow. my romeo & juliet scene with christina goes up friday. friday is also the day that william arrives in our fair city. i'm so excited. hopefully we'll go on a drunken, party-hopping adventure that evening. the oscars are sunday. so pumped. this will be the first time he and i have watched them together. epic.

things are going well, in nearly every fascet of life at the moment. i'm sure i'll find something productive to do with my summer, even if it doesn't turn out to be summer stock. though, it is a weird feeling knowing i probably won't be part of the players at all. not even lurking around. and it's the 75th season. big deal. well.. we'll see what happens.

that's basically my philosophy right now. "we'll see what happens." that and, "whatever, don't worry about it."

so yes. sleep sounds lovely.

poppies.. poppies will make her sleep.

so i fail at updating. sorry.

it's been slightly over a month since the new year (when i last wrote) and here i am, snuggled in my bed. back in new york. with a cold and a mountain of work.

life could be way less amazing.

i don't really know what else to say. i promise i'll try and update more. things are chugging along quite nicely. jenny and i got dinner and watched 'to kill a mockingbird' on the nyu movie channel tonight. big night in. mondays are the longest days ever. wait. check that. every day is the longest day ever.

i'm gonna go blow my nose and pass out.
goodnight.

i'm home again.
it's been awhile.
i fail at lj. so much.

so i mean, peterborough's buried in so so much snow. and i've finished my christmas shopping. and no good movies are playing. and people aren't all home yet. so i'm a little bored. it is nice to be back in my cozy house with the christmas tree and the lights and my dog and his annual humiliating holiday collar (with bells on it, mind you). but i do miss ny.

this is the first vacation i think i've had from college where, as excited as i am to go home and see everyone and everything, i wasn't ready to leave. in fact, my departure felt really premature. i had had such an amazing week with my "family" that i didn't want it to stop. all the cooking and the drinking and the pretty outfits and the movies and the plays and the free time and the sleepovers and the shopping and the closness i felt to people that i haven't felt in so long.. it was so hard to let go of.


just a little snowy sunset.

but i'm here now. and i'm letting the holiday spirit wash over me. and i'm so so so excited to have my annual christmas revelry once again. even if i'm the only one that gets excited about it.

ahh i'm home.
and it's cold.
and it's winter almost.
and there's a little bit of snow on the ground.
and it's lovely here.

thanksgiving was cozy. so much food. so many manfre's. it's nice to be home, even if it's just for a few days. i've hung out at tobey's a couple of times, ate at nonie's, scarfed down samples at ava marie's, wandered through the toadstool, bought cheap merch at ocean state, and, of course, ate at the bagel mill. i've missed little peterborough so very much. this morning i met up with all the girls (alex, allegra, sarah, cathleen, anne, taylor, ali, and lexie) for bagels. it was so fantastic to see them all. i love and miss every single one of them. now i'm home watching tv with my grandparents and drinking cider.

being here makes me happy.
i also miss new york.

i head back tomorrow for three more weeks of scenes, papers, journalism, musical theatre, chekhov, stress, late nights, and a cold city. then it's home for christmas! so excited. for alllll of it.

i'd forgotten all about that. my, wasn't life awful - and wonderful?

the splendid ballroom gleams with gold and candles,
a crowd of dancers whirls around the room;
and there apart, an empty glass beside her,
behold the fallen beauty, the lost, the doomed.
- 'the sinful woman' (or 'the magdalen') by alexei tolstoy

i'm having a love affair with chekhov. i know i'm like, the biggest nerd in the world right now. but i seriously am. and with life. i think. in some aspects. i don't really know how i feel about anything right now. i think i'm searching desperately for something or someone to relate to. some way to verbalize how i feel. maybe that's why i love chekhov. and feist. god i'm so lame. but things are good.. halloween was insane. i got drunk and went on an adventure in and out of the parade with my best friends, loving everyone (a little too much), both strange and familiar, and teaching mike steinmetz how to do pirouettes on the corner of park ave. what the fuck? whatever.

"There was much wine, an ignored tension, and a feeling of things coming that you could not prevent happening. Under the wine I lost the disgusted feeling and was happy. It seemed they were all such nice people.
- 'the sun also rises'

otherwise, i'm trying to distract myself by throwing myself headfirst into my work. i'm doing a ton of scenes to round out the semester, one of which is an entire act of 'the cherry orchard' and i'm so excited. cathleen is going to be here in 13 days. so so soon. i'm thrilled. so many good things are going on currently, i'm just letting them all soak in. over and over again.

hi hi hi

i have my life back.

and i can feel it. i can feel myself being myself again. the things i have to do fill up a nice to-do list that's being crossed off. one by one. i'm seeing a bunch of plays this week, heading to skidmore next weekend to see annie, and just planning on enjoying/using my free evenings to the best of my advantage.

last night gil, arielle & caitlin came over to study for our musical theatre midterm. we ended up eating brie and raspberries and gossiping and laughing til our stomachs hurt. i love my friends. i really, truly do. things are looking up for me. it finally feels like fall. oh! and i bought a new coat, and i'm kind of obsessed with it.

let's see.. anything else new? i started voice lessons with todd almond and i'm officially madly in love with him. and his apartment. which is a block away from s'mac (this macaroni & cheese specialty place that's all orange) and veniero's (arguably the best italian bakery in lower manhattan) in both directions. so mom (me) brought home mac & cheese for the girls thursday night and we had family dinner.

DOG SEES GOD actually went much better than i ever imagined. the cast & crew were amazing and, despite a few minor freakouts on my part regarding sporks & tater tots, it went off without a hitch. so there's that. next semester, though i refuse to stage manage. i've already turned down a few offers. i want to actually be in plays. there are some amazing shows being proposed at tisch, so i'm setting my sights on those.

i just ate the last insomnia cookie from sunday night. insomnia cookie is the greatest invention ever. it's this shady cookie delivery service that literally makes its money off of stoned college kids. it delivers only in lower manhattan, and only from 8 pm - 2:30 am. their cookies are so. good. and whenever we're lazy and have a sugar craving, jenny, meagan & i order ourselves some. delish.

i should go. a few things to do before journalism at 4.
it's finally finally fall. and it's gorgeous here.

love.

There was a message written in pencil on the tiles by the roller towel. This was it: 'What is the purpose of life?' Trout plundered his pockets for a pen or pencil. He had an answer to the question. But he had nothing to write with, not even a burnt match. So he left the question unanswered, but here is what he would have written, if he had found anything to write with:
'To be
the eyes
and ears
and conscience
of the Creator of the Universe,
you fool.'

-breakfast of champions

i haven't updated this in a million years.

there's just so much going on. in my head. in my life. people, things, and obligations are pulling me in 17 different directions. i'm just so tired.

but then again, i suppose it's not a bad thing. i tend to whither into uselessness when i don't have things keeping me occupied. after next sunday, october 14, i will have my life back. DOG SEES GOD will officially be o-v-e-r. lovely. so i'm setting my sights on then. and trying to revel in whatever happiness and small personal triumphs i can salvage in this sea of stress and emotion. sick.

cj's coming to the city on thursday for a brief stint. david's going to meet us for lunch, which will be fantastic. i miss this summer. in so many ways.

but for now, i have to go trek off again. to class. then rehearsal. then tech. then more rehearsal. baller.

love.

i'm watching the emmy's with meagan & jenny right now.
on the tv i had to have rolled over here from circut city
by a nice man named mohommad with a dolly.

life is amazing. and hard. and absolutely insane.

'dog sees god' has begun, and i'm taking my SM job quite seriously.
journalism has begun and i think i may suffocate myself
with the new york times by the end of this semester. sick.
studio has begun and i've already assumed the role of
a classic middle-aged seductress and a tragic russian country girl.

the emmy's are awkward. why?

i saw 'across the universe' last night.
it was life changing. so so amazing.
crazy. trippy. but beautiful just the same.
again, i wish i was around in the 60's.

after the movie, benj & mike broke our shower curtain.
and we ordered insomnia cookies that were delivered at 3am.
they were so. so so. worth. it.

and oh my god it's fall all of a sudden!
what? i'm so excited. i'm wearing a scarf tomorrow.
and i got my first hot apple cider at starbucks today.

i love new york.

breathe.

just. keep breathing.

alright well it's been a bit.

for trina:

i'm in new york!
it's all so wonderful.
i really am livin the dream.
my dorm is great, with all the trimmings
(thanks to a trip to IKEA)
and meagan & jenny are the best roommates i could ask for.

things are slightly messy with the alex situation,
but nothing that won't pass eventually.
we all saw 'a midsummer night's dream'
at shakespeare in the park last week.
it was a beautiful production.
and oh oh oh FEIST was amazingg.
the 4 of us defied the hipsters and danced so much.
and the nearly full moon rose over the stage while she was playing.

my last 2 days in peterborough were spent at the lakehouse.
it was awesome - so beautiful. so natural.
the final detox before i headed back to the city.
standing out on the dock, lit up by only the moon, listening to loons
at about one in the morning monday night, i thought:
"i could not be farther from new york right now."

how cool.

so today is the first day o' classes.
i had musical theatre studies in the morning
ballet this afternoon, and i head to journalism in an hour.
i just sat in union square park in the sun and did some reading.
it was so relaxing. and people-watching is always superb.

harper moved in!
her apartment is so so gorgeous.
i spent the night there sunday, with dan & trish.
then gave them an intro to the subway.
it's great - she's such a perfect pal to have in the city with me.
i wonder if she's with the children now..

i should go.
i have 5o million things to do.

love love love

trina told me to update more.
and since she's delivering, i suppose i should too.

my room is all packed.
it's not as sparse as when i left last year.
i think i was more selective about which posessions to bring,
as jenny, meagan & i will be living in a sort of a co-op situation.
meaning - we'll be constantly pilfering each other's goods.
so i figure i don't need as much.

anyway.

i finished at the players at 6:45 wednesday evening.
such an amazing feeling, being done.
i saw the opening of the show that night,
topped it off by getting sufficently drunk at the opening night party
(with kathymanfre approval thankyouverymuch)
and went back to the theatre with a few kids
for drunken late-night trivial pursuit: pop culture edition.
so much fun.
cj and i came back from an early slump quite nicely.
i was proud. and i knew a few obscure answers, which i was happy about.

so the past few days have flown by.
i've seen as many people as i possibly could squeeze in.
as well as packed, ran errands, got a haircut, saw some movies, etc.
i realized how much i'm going to miss my car
we spent a lot of quality time together this summer.
i'm also going to miss the interns, my friends from here,
and just peterborough in general.
this town is so lovely, i wish i'd gotten to enjoy more of it.
but that's alright - i'm coming back for thanksgiving
for the first time in a million years. so that'll be nice.
i'll get to see nh in the fall, which is the most glorious time.

now i'm just babbling.
i should go take a shower.
we're leaving for this lakehouse in a few hours.
just for 2 days.. then it's off to NYC.
i'm so excited!

i'm sitting at the lightboard in the middle of changeover.
thank god for wireless internet in the theatre.

the weather is absurdly cold.
just another reminder that summer is pretty much over.
the past two days, the family next door has been lighting a fire in their fireplace
and filling the air with that smoky smell fall is famous for.

so andy left yesterday, amidst the hectic strike of the set.
we managed to say a rather tragic goodbye.
i'm really going to miss him.

but i was hurtled out of my sadness straight onto electrics crew.
i spent the night playing with lights and wrenches and cables and all that stuff.
i'm such an electrician.
only two more days here.
weird. weird. weird.

but i have a list of things to do before i leave
and people to see and places to go.
sadly, cathleen shipped off for san francisco early yesterday morning.
so i won't have my wife for my final few days here.
but lexie, allegra & ali are back, which is lovely.

i finished catch-22 a few minutes ago.
"taking a lesson from the yossarian school of badass-ery"
as alex, one of the tech interns, so put it.
that book is so wonderful. i'm glad i read it again.

i have vowed to not let theatre run my life this year.
perhaps that's what drove me mad..
when i wasn't rehearsing, or in class, i felt like i should be expanding my library.
this year, i have promised to read some books, spend loads of time with emma
and just give myself a bit of an escape, if only shortly, from that which will consume me.
as much as i love it, i also love being a human being.
and immersing myself in it this summer was amazing.
because it wasn't all study and performance,
but knowledge and observation and hands-on work for life behind the scenes.
it's really so rewarding to know i can do so much now that i could never do before.

plus, i totally bonded with james whitmore.
we had so many nice pre-show talks outside
about the nature of the business, of art, of life and getting old.
he's such a great guy.

i'm going to miss this place.
and the people i've come to adore and detest
and eventually understand over the summer.

but i'm off to change the world now.
so it's okay.


the second company

i wish i could just slow time down for a bit and.. you know, revel.
but that's the nature of the beast, i suppose.

life is good. andy leaves tomorrow.
another august 19th goodbye. weird.

i leave on the 28th, but i'm done with work on the 22nd.
i plan on spending those six days living out the summer i never had.
it'll be nice. hang out with me.

i impulse-bought roman holiday at the toadstool the other day.
i've never seen it, but it seems like a movie i would like.
i plan on watching it when life calms down a little bit.
i've also been re-reading catch-22 during the show each night.
i'm about halfway done. i forgot how amazing it is.

we have our final performance of the long christmas dinner this afternoon.
it'll be sad - i really enjoyed this show. and this summer.
i learned so much about myself and what i am capable of.
these past four months have been serious detox.
and i am so so ready to get back to new york again.

our room is going to be such a joke.
i cannot WAIT.
FEIST soon!

alright, i should go shower and 40's myself up.
i look like a sexed-up andrews sister.
if anybody gets that reference.

love.

alright.

well, i am dreadfully uncommitted to this journal, like so many other things in my life. but i figure, since i have about 35 minutes until i actually have to do anything, i might as well write a bit.

currently, i'm cozied up in the green room during a performance of "the heiress," a three-hour period epic with hoop skirts, fake sherry, the works. so run crew is a bit on the unexciting side. but that's alright. i have very little down time anymore. i'm at the theatre from 9 or 10 in the morning until 11 or 12 at night. i think i'd be in absolute hell if i didn't adore the people i'm surrounded by, or the interesting collection of accomplishments i seem to have acrewed.

for example, i spent two full afternoons this week making a penguin crate. yes, a crate for penguins. i used a whole mess of power tools i am most definitely under-qualified to use, and had a rather unfortunate fight with a table saw culminating in it spitting a four foot wide slab of wood back at me and leaving a really rugged bruise on my hip. today, CJ and i rigged the stuffed penguins so they can dance, and yesterday i made an 850-page fake manuscript out of the first four pages of the Apocolypse Now screenplay.

props crew is not without its share of ridiculousocity.

i wish i could say that life outside my job has been really awesome as well, but unfortunately, i don't have a lot of free time. cathleen brought me a bagel sandwich like the wife of mine that she is yesterday and harper and i are having a sleepover. but i have to cram my seeing friends time in between the hours and hours i spend here. on this couch. in this barn. helping the pregnant star into her monstrous gown, and the elderly gentleman change his cravat.


6 am sunrise on my way home from midnight crew

since i have to drive about 15 minutes to and from the theatre at least six times a day, i've been listening to a lot of new, amazing perfect summertime music. feist, ingrid michaelson, amy winehouse & janis joplin have been rotating through the cd player in my car. it's been quite nice, actually. and since me, jenny, meagan & caitlin are going to see feist on august 29th (yes yes yess), i am growing very fond of her and her beautiful music.

i finished maggie cassidy about five minutes ago, and blew through HP7 by tuesday, a little over three days after the release. i need a new book. or i need to start reading those restoration comedies atlantic has assigned me. boo. i thought my summer reading assignments died out with AP english. guess not.

i've also been journaling on my own, in the little black book someone bet me i'd never use. lovely pictures david developed have been dotting the pages as well. it's nice to be able to recount my summer. i've missed writing. and lately i've had so many thoughts coursing through my brain, it's impossible to keep up.

all in all, i'm relaxed. i'm calm. i'm excited. i'm lovely. i'm busy. i'm exhausted. i'm glamourous. i'm surprised. but i am most definitely happy.

the word of the day is: chivvy
(v) to tell someone repeatedly to do something; to chase away
ex - "i am ill and you are chivvying me!"

[i hope christopher scheer got a good laugh out of that one]

i went to bed at 7pm and i'm awake at 11:15.

gotta love changeover.
i'm on midnight crew - my schedule is from 12-6 am. baller.

my life is ridiculous.
i am never home anymore.

love.

things are still great.
alice opens on friday.
[oh my ears & whiskers!]

i'm quite content with where things are right now. i mean, there are always things i would change, but i think i'm ralleying rather well. my ASM gig for "the last 5 years" is way fun, even if i all i do is talk dirty to the copier and prompt people who sing way better than me on the lyrics they happen to forget. i still feel responsible, and allie & gus keep trusting me with a myriad of tasks.

my dad got me an air conditioner today. baller. since my room was previously about 105 degrees. the heavy smell of paint is still hanging in the air, which sucks since my room was painted about three weeks ago. what the fuck. but it is starting to look like more of a grown up's room now, which is always good.

i saw lexie, anne and will for about an hour tonight, which was nice. i miss them a lot. will & i have a movie date for this weekend. and trin's going-away party is on friday night. can't wait. although i am sad for her to leave, but she'll love it down under, so i'm not worried. plus, she'll be back in november. none of this 11 month crap anymore. nohow.

i'm gonna go catch up on 'entourage.'
then sleep. maybe. another 12-hour day tomorrow.

yess.

god, i am so useless at updating.

okay so a bunch of things have happened since i last wrote. i still need to travel, by the way, but for the moment i'm quite content where i am. but yes, many events have occured - some important, some life-changing, some meaningless, and some just downright ridiculous. there's no point in re-capping everything because if you know me at all, you probably know what's been going down.

suffice it to say, alex and i broke up a few weeks ago. it was rough on both sides, but i think the distance has made it an easier situation to cope with. at least for me. in addition, i started work at the peterborough players as a full-fledged second company member. i LOVE it. like, usually manual labor isn't my thing, but the people are so incredible and the tasks so rewarding that i barely even realize i'm doing work. plus i've been using a crapload of power tools. which is awesome.

i don't have great roles this summer. in fact, they're a bit on the small side, and it's hard to deal with because everyone else at least has other things to do.. but again, it's okay. i am so in love with my fellow interns that i barely even think about it. our first show is Alice in Wonderland - it opens next week and runs intermittanly and on weekends through the end of july. i'm the dormouse. i sleep most of the time i'm onstage, but it's cool. i also get to dress up like a lobster and dance. theatre is so fucking weird.

i've started reading a new book - "Maggie Cassidy" by kerouac. it's good, but his stream-of-conciousness style of writing both turns me on and off to his stuff. but it's a good summer read. and when i have a moment where i'm not working, running around, playing host to a bunch of poor and bored interns, or passing out due to exhaustion, i do read it.

and i don't know where life is at the moment.. out in a field somewhere, with a baseball cap on, tasting of cigarettes and raspberry gum. god, i'm so happy right now. i love the way this summer is turning out. i love my friends, and my parents and sister. i LOVE my job. i love peterborough and i love the weather.

i guess today hasn't been such a bad day after all.
<33

i need to travel.